Unremarkable

Fourteen years of marriage isn't remarkable. If a couple is married for 1, 5, 25, or 50 years, then anyone they tell is excited and pleased. Telling people you've been married for 14 years gleans only yawns and looks of 'big deal.'

Jason and I celebrated our 14 years by eating dinner at a McDonald's drive thru. Then we watched some television and went to bed by 11, me with a headache-no, really I did have a headache. It was one of the best anniversaries we've ever had together.

In 14 years we've experienced each other's highest highs, the births of our children, buying our first house, our teary wedding day, vacations to the beach, driving across the country in a U-Haul, and college graduatiosn. We've also experienced our lowest lows together. Colicky babies, post partum depression, job stresses, and deaths of loved ones.

Through it all, Jason and I have stood side by side. He and I are a united team in our adventure of life together. Aside from the big news making events of our family we've lived the mundane day to day routines. He knows how to make my coffee perfectly, and I know the precise color to make his. I always give him the one that's a little lighter in color due to more cream because he likes it that way.

We just returned from the beach for 5 glorious days. Jason knew I'd sleep in later than he did. I knew he'd go to the fish counter to buy shrimp and scallops. We both wanted to bring the Playstation so we could play video games together. We both knew we'd end up watching School of Rock (for the 57th time). However, we're also into trying new things. Like buffalo steaks, and a new Thai restaurant. It's fun to explore the unknown as it's intermixed with the familiar routine. We both understand when we quote movie lines to each other. He laughs at my jokes, and I laugh at his. It's alright for us to be quiet, or to have a nice long talk together.

I am glad to be living my life with Jason. He knows me better than anyone on this earth. And I know him. Fourteen years has brought us so much history together. I've been with him for almost half of my life. He and I are committed to each other for the rest of our lives.

Whether it's remarkable or not, we're celebrating our 14 years together. Happy Anniversary.

Disclaimer

I feel I must make a disclaimer as to some current events at my house. Mason is getting mighty good with his words now that he's 3.5 years of age. He knows many words, like the word disgusting for example. And unfortunately he has used that word in regard to my cooking (which is so not true by the way, I make yummy food! Every night!).

Recently we were watching television together, just he and I. Everyone else was gone for the evening. Suddenly he freaked out. "Mommy, why are those ladies naked on t.v.?"

As he said it my life flashed before my eyes. I pictured the arrival at church functions when he would inappropriately exclaim that, "Mommy watches t.v. and the ladies are naked!" Much to the chagrin of all in hearing distance. The looks would be of disbelief. Even when I give the so innocent explanation, the doubt would linger in their minds, and my reputation would be in doubt.

The ladies on t.v. actually had strapless dresses on and they were only being shown from the neck up. Every time I tried to show Mason for the next 20 minutes that they were indeed clothed, and he wasn't looking. "Mason, see? They are wearing dresses!"

"No, they're naked mom."

So much for changing the course of history with that one. Doubt me if you must. But I am putting this press release out there for damage control. Hey, it works (not really) for the celebrities, right?

While I'm at it I must also insist that when Mason asks for 'pop porn' he really means popcorn. There is no pop (well, that's a lie, there is soda pop in the house), and certainly no porn in our home.

Today is the day

I was 15 when she was born and she was 15 when Mason was born. I have memories of their family coming to visit when I was an angry teenager. I was so annoyed when she and her brother would wake up early on Saturday mornings and disrupt my sleep, since I usually liked to sleep until at least noon. But she was awfully cute. Pigtails, big smiles, and a huge personality won me over to her, and I couldn't help smiling when I saw her.

Colee continues to win me over with every interaction. Her smile is infectious. She is funny, kind, sweet, and independent. Colee knows what she wants and how to make her goals reality.

She is my cousin and my kids' second cousin. Her influence on my children has been huge. My children will be better people because they have a relationship with Colee. When Maggie got her own e-mail address, Colee wrote e-mails to her and they interacted. When Molly was sad a couple of months ago she texted Colee. Colee took time to respond to her and to encourage her. Every time Morgan wants a new hairstyle and manicure, Colee complies. Mason loves Colee to come over and play so he can show her his trucks.

She has invested in my family in ways I don't even know about. She has forged relationships with my children that I admire. I trust her because I know she is a positive influence for them and I welcome that. I don't need to be involved in every interaction because I know she can teach them things through having fun with them that I could never do as a parent.

I have been able to watch Colee's maturity over the years and I am in awe. She loves God and has been raised with a strong spiritual influence. She follows the beat of her own drum and because she does that she gains respect. She doesn't need to follow what everyone else is doing because she knows where she is going.

I have so many positive memories of her. How she and Maggie, Molly, and Morgan made posters for Mason the day he was born. How she and I have talked on the phone for long periods of time when originally I called to talk to her mom. Her coming over to babysit numerous times for us. The first time she drove over to our house on her own and I warned her to be careful at the intersection when she left (you can't blame me, I am a mom!). When she called me a couple of months ago because she wanted to take the girls out for ice cream, and watching her drive away with my three girls, confident that they were safe. How she picked up the guitar and learned how to play in an amazingly short amount of time. I know we have a lifetime of memories still yet to make, and I am so glad.

Colee is graduating from high school today. I can't believe that 18 years has passed since she was born. She is now crossing the bridge over into adulthood. I look forward to the next few years as she makes her way into the world. She is a cousin, but she is also my friend. I love her and I know that she will always be a part of my life. I am here to celebrate her victories and to encourage her in tough times. The adventure of adult life is beginning as she prepares to move this summer.

I admire the close relationship she has with her family. She has been an example to me in ways I can never fully express. My children will grow, especially the girls, and remember the things Colee has told them. As they reach maturity themselves I envision a time when they may call on Colee for advice when they can't talk to me. It's a gift for me to have Colee in my life and I will always love and cherish her.

Happy Graduation Colee! You'll do well in life and I love you so very much. You are an inspiration to me and I look forward to our relationship for the rest of our lives.

Love,
Leslie

On A Mission

Maggie, Morgan, and I were minding our own business. Truly. We were en route from Maggie's dog feeding job to her babysitting job. We had 15 minutes to kill before she was expected to babysit and we didn't want to arrive too early. Actually, she didn't want to arrive to early, but I agreed. So we were driving around a little bit. No need to remind me of gas prices, I am painfully aware that I paid $3.99 six days ago for gas and that when the pump stopped at $75, I was only 3/4 full. I was too shocked to have them run my card again, so I left $75 dollars poorer, and without a full tank of gas.

Anyway, as we were driving we saw a weird sight. The three of us were staring as we saw a huge matte black vehicle barreling toward us in the opposite lane. There were police lights in the front windshield of the vehicle. We obediently pulled to the side as any good citizen should. Morgan's eyes were huge as the monstrosity came ever closer to passing us. I explained that it was the police and they are our friends. She then asked if police carry guns. "Yes honey they do. But they don't shoot them unless they are in a dangerous situation," I said, soothing her troubled spirit.

Just at that moment, the vehicle passed us. Four or five SWAT team members were hanging on to the back. Helmets, guns, and shields adorned them and the sight of it left the three of us with mouths gaping open. It was so strange too see such a sight in the middle of the day.

I did what any self-respecting person would do. I pulled back out and told the girls we'd follow them, of course. My adrenaline was pumping. I suppose if I was an attorney I'd be an ambulance chaser. I love to watch the action. When Jason and I were first married we proudly busted up a teenage party by calling the cops. Then we hid in the yard to watch the action. Horrible, maybe. Super fun times? Obviously! There was a party in our neighborhood a few months ago and I stayed up until about 2am watching as the police arrested two people, although I wasn't responsible for calling it in. So it goes when you have four children and a home to take care of-fun is relative.

I pulled out into traffic, and my ever obedient sidekicks were working overdrive. Maggie was trying desperately to see where the SWAT team was going and Morgan was asking a bazillion questions about the police. I was so proud of myself because I was answering her as I maneuvered as quickly as I could so as not to lose sight of the vehicle. My sidekick Maggie ended up misleading me and we couldn't see where they went. I was so disappointed.

I went about my business last night and woke up this morning, feeling proud of our adventures, and still a little excited about them. It was a little while later when I realized how dangerous it was to follow the SWAT team. It was a stupid thing to do. And I did it blindly without thought to the consequences that might have followed. I not only endangered myself, but my two of my best girls. I put my precious cargo in harms way, all for a little adrenaline and excitement.

I have done the same thing so many times in my spiritual life. Blindly following a path for the sheer excitement of the moment. Only to realize later that I was chasing myself right into a web of danger and unknown consequences. Waking up the following days realizing that my chase was dangerous, fruitless, and potentially life-threatening. I have been known to lead others down my paths of ultimate destruction right along with me, not thinking of the future or the outcome until it was too late.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God's plans for me far exceed anything I can ever aspire to. He has plans for my safety and for my future. He never leads me into dangerous territory. Uncharted perhaps. But His plans are greater than mine. He knows the days I will live on the earth, and His plans are for good. If I am killed unexpectedly while doing His will, then so be it. I can only hope that He gives me the wisdom to follow Him unconditionally and not continue chasing SWAT teams around.

And wouldn't you know it, I found out today they were going to a hostage situation. May the Lord bless us all and keep us from walking willfully into spiritual hostage situations.

Love/Hate

There are certain stores that freak me out. Buffet restaurants are on that list. Whenever we have occasion to go to one, not by my choice, but by virtue of the fact that my whole family wants to go and I'm outnumbered, I am weirded out. Surprisingly not by the jello salad that looks suspicious or the mystery gravy that lurks under the heat lamps. It's the people. I feel like I am a cow working my way through the gates, being herded along with all the other cows. Oh, but yes I do fill my plate with mashed potatoes and rolls. Oh yes I do.

Another place that freaks me out is a restaurant (that will remain unnamed) that ends in -ed -obin with R's at the beginning. Don't get me wrong. I love the food! I love the unlimited portions of fatty goodness french fries. It's all the birthdays that I hate. I now count the number of times I hear the birthday song during each visit. I have yet to visit there without a birthday of some sort occurring. One night I counted 10-no joke, no exaggeration. I don't know why it bothers me. Maybe I'm bitter because I'm not getting the birthday song and a free sundae. I should examine that issue I think.

Also, I love/hate big warehouse stores. Especially one that rhymes with Rostco. Driving into the parking lot I always see a plethera of sport utility vehicles vying for position in the lot. It bugs me, even though I am one of the SUV drivers myself. I think it's the American attitude of excess that gets to me more than anything else and the knowledge that I am a poster child for excess. After I am able to park 14 miles away, all the while convincing myself that it's good exercise to walk all the way to the store. I am angry with myself as I grab a dozen muffins, chocolate, poppy seed, and banana nut of course, because there aren't many options and it's so cliche'. But I can't help myself. I am proud of myself as I pass the taste testers with no eye contact and without taking a sample for myself, pretty good, huh?

Last Saturday I visited the above mentioned store to stock up on groceries. Yes, I did purchase 13 pounds of oranges. Why? I do no know. I also purchased a 5 pound bag of lemons. After all, Jason does love lemon bars and I want to make him 52 batches of them in the next week before they go bad. I also got the double pack of mustard (96 ounces in each bottle) because I was certain we were running out. Only two people in our family like mustard, and I am not one of them, but I aim to please. I also stocked up on ahem....feminine supplies. Those are at the end of the route through the store so they were precariously perched on top of the cart for the whole world to see. But I was fine with that, really, it wasn't embarrassing at all, really.

I made my way to the checkout. In hand were my Costco reusable bags. Oh yes, I am green (aside from the fact that my vehicle is single handedly depleting the oil in the whole world). As the total button was pushed, I smiled and pretended that it didn't bother me to write a check for hundreds of dollars. Must act cool and nonchalant. I then proudly? showed my receipt and passed the inspection at the door.

I arrived home congratulating myself on a trip without road rage or major anger. I spent the next hour organizing and arranging my new items. I got the mustard out and discovered that I already had two large bottles of the stuff. So now I have 384 ounces. How many deviled eggs do you think I can make with that?

I am officially the marketers dream customer. God bless buffet restaurants, chain burger joints, and warehouse stores.

Moving On

I have thought about writing this particular post for a few months now. My tenure as a MOPS steering team member is ending tomorrow. This is my third year of involvement with our MOPS ministry, and I have a special place in my heart for it. MOPS has meant so much to me.

My friend Abby was the coordinator when I came on board as an ignorant steering team leader. Abby worked tirelessly to get the group up and running that first year. She has continued to support us and often stops by during our meetings now just to say hi and chat for a minute. Thanks to Abby's vision, we have a group today that is thriving. Abby and I were friends before we worked in MOPS together, but after that, we became closer. We even got our first tattoo together. Now that's serious bonding. Don't worry, tattooing is not a pre-requisite for membership. At least not this year. I can't speak for next year's requirements because I'm not on the leadership team anymore. Sorry.

I met Karen through MOPS. I'll never forget that she was the one that encouraged me to come to a meeting. I saw her on the stairs at church, and the first conversation I ever had with her was about MOPS. She is a close friend and she is the total rockstar coordinator now. She works so hard to make sure everything functions. Not only that, but she forgave me when I overslept and missed our last meeting. Oops!

Kristan and I met at gymnastics classes (for the kids, not us) three years ago. We got to know each other because we had little boys of the same age, and little girls with the same name. I invited her to MOPS, and that's where our friendship began. It seems fitting that the end of my MOPS tenure brings Kristan to a new journey in her life as her family is preparing to move to Reno. Kristan has become a close friend and a rock for me. She 'gets me.' And she still likes me even though I am a little scatter-brained.. We will remain friends no matter where she moves. I already have a trip to Reno planned for October with Morgan.

I met Alida two years ago at the park. I liked her right away and invited her to MOPS when I found out she was new to town. I was really surprised that she did in fact e-mail me to get the information for MOPS and came to a meeting based on a brief meeting with me, a complete stranger in the park. She and I became close friends, and we can talk for hours without a lull in the conversation. Alida is just plain cool.

I even attribute this blog to many of the MOPS moms who read mine, and I in turn, read theirs. A few of us began blogs and it was a revolution. Now if only we can get Joelle and Jenny V. to start blogging. I promise if any of you can convince them to start blogs I'll give you a $5 gift certificate to Starbucks. In fact, let's make that a contest, shall we?

I've found acceptance, understanding, new friends, and laughter at MOPS. I've learned a little about publicity, a little about speaker coordination, and a lot about teamwork. I have appreciated the different and unique friendships I've formed. Each one different, but equally special to me.

I will miss going to MOPS on Tuesday mornings. But it is indeed time for me to move on. I now have three elementary aged students, and in the fall one will graduate to middle school age. The kids are growing up, and times are changing. I no longer change any diapers, but I am far more consumed with lessons, practices, meets, schooling, errands, and all that comes with growing children.

As I enter this new stage, I will fondly remember all the memories I have from our group. And I do know that there will be many more moms just like me that will be impacted for their whole lives as a result of the MOPS ministry at Court Street Christian Church.

I am excited to see what God has in store for me in the next phase. I know that the end of MOPS means the beginning of new and exciting adventures for me. I don't know what they are, but I do know that growth and change are positive and without those two qualities, I'd be in big trouble.

Coming Out

I wasn't going to share this. I planned to keep this issue to myself. However, all that changed last weekend after a visit with my in-laws. After our visit I knew I had to share this. I knew I needed to put this out there. I needed to come out of the closet. Are you ready?

Pretty much all of my adult life I have wondered what what wrong with me. On the outside, I am a happy, relaxed gal. On the inside, not so much. I have always had inner turmoil. Now, I suppose that all humans have some degree of turmoil. It is part of being human after all. We aren't perfect beings.

My turmoil has mostly been surrounding relationships. I have always struggled with anger about relationships, and annoyances at people. Almost constantly with family members I inwardly struggled with negative feelings and not knowing why things bothered me so greatly. Issues either big or small have been enough to cause me stress and upset in my inner life.

I prayed for years. Asking for forgiveness for my attitude and a renewed attitude toward relationships. I prayed for patience with my family. I prayed for patience with my parents and my in laws. I read books about relationships. I wondered why I would pray and read and the result was always the same. I struggled thinking that I was just not overcoming things in my spiritual life and that perhaps I wasn't a good Christian.

A recent bout with what I called 'feeling out of balance' sent me into a counselors office once again to figure out what was wrong with me. During the first meeting, the counselor asked if I thought I was depressed. I had never considered it before. Never once had I ever questioned whether I was depressed. I always assumed that I was just flawed and a big fat jerk.

I followed her advice and went to see my family doctor about 6 weeks ago. I felt like an idiot. I hated being there. I have always assumed that anti-depressants are over-prescribed and not for me.

A few days ago Jason was concerned about the medication. We had a nice long talk and it turned out that he was concerned because I was no longer yelling at him all the time. That gave me serious pause. I wondered how long he's been used to the angry me.

Then over this past weekend we went to visit my in-laws. For the first time ever, I was able to let little annoyances slide. I was able to accept her for who she is, and not get all crazy about it. I was able to not leave and unload all the petty irritations on to Jason. I was truly able to enjoy the company of Jason's family-for the first time in 15 years.

I know that a little pill isn't a miracle cure. I know that it isn't the end all. But I also know that the combination of the medication and some awesome counsel is making a difference that I never knew possible. I know that the struggle I have had most of my life is diminishing. I am experiencing a joy that I never knew existed. I know that the struggle of life will never end, and things will never be perfect. I still get angry, I still get irritated, but not over every little issue that comes down the pike.

I am learning that it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to not be perfect. And believe me, I am far from that. I foresee more sessions on the therapist's couch in the near future. I have made some decisions that have caused me harm and I need to work on them. I have done damage to myself by virtue of not feeling normal or at ease for years. And I need to work on all those issues.

But the biggest lesson that I've learned is that if things don't seem right in my inner life that it may be more than my failure to be a good person or a mature Christian. I am also learning how to make the right choices for my life so that I can be less overwhelmed in my daily activities. I am making positive changes in my life so that I can have better balance.

The journey of life continues. I am in a huge period of transition. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that it looks way more manageable now that I have asked for help.